Letters – I’m Simply The Door Mat

Letters To MyselfLetters To Myself ~

5:30am the child calls to me “Momma I need help”. Shining the light on the situation reveals another night time nose bleed. Ok, no big deal.

I get some tissue paper and hand it to him. I learned last time this occurred not to help more than that. Not wanting to get yelled at, I simply repeated the instructions from last time, squeeze the bridge of your nose and don’t push up on it.

The remedy seemed to be going ok at first. But when this event continued and wouldn’t stop bleeding I had to take the instructions to the next level. It was obvious he wasn’t holding his nose long enough to stop the bleeding and telling him that only gets me yelled at. Of course, trying to help means it’s my fault.

So I found the timer on my phone and set it for 1 min., resting it in a position where he could see it. Ok..that seemed to work. He was a little calmer. After 3 or 4 minutes, things seemed to have stopped and we were back to bed with the lights off on a Sunday morning.

Within 30 minutes, there was a whine and sound of great frustration.   This time the Man jumps out of bed to handle the problem before I even had a chance to roll over. Ok fine, whatever. Within 5 minutes the child is crying, talking hateful and getting angrier. He decides he’s going to go take a bath. And off he goes by himself and the Man comes back to bed.

It wasn’t long before the child was downstairs, naked and crying. With a few screams thrown in so we would know he’s pissed. It seems this situation is getting out of hand. I’m up. It’s now 6:40am on a Sunday. At least it’s light outside now.

On my way down the stairs I tell the child to stop it, you’re only making it worse. At this point anything I say or do is going to get me yelled at for something I didn’t have anything to do with in the first place. It’s not so much the yelling as the hateful tone that really bothers me. I’m coming to help, but let’s blame Mom anyway. It seems for the past year, the only time I’m talked to nicely is when he wants something. He ends up apologizing, and within a few moments of that, he’s asking me for something, or asking me to do something for him. It really makes the apology seem pointless and thoughtless. I know I’m the adult. But you know, after a while of being treated like dirt, it really starts wearing you down. I’ve talked to him, explained to him, punished him, but nothing changes.

So we’re all downstairs now as I go to the kitchen to put my water bottle down. On my way back to the child, the Man has taken over again. Now here’s the kicker. Same kid, same problem, Dad is saying the same things I said. But Dad isn’t getting yelled at! Now I’m feeling hurt and angry.

I’ve gone the entire day saying as little as possible to anyone. I’m really on the brink and I honestly can’t take any more yelling directed at me…and for something that’s not my fault in the first place. Truth be told, this doesn’t work either. Because everyone gets pissed at me for being quiet and shutting down in order to cope. I’m simply supposed to be the doormat and let everyone else yell at me to get out their frustrations. While I have no one to talk to, speak with, complain to or get my frustrations out. Gee..thanks.

~ Victoria Lynn


VR-Hanko ~ All Rights Reserved ©

 © 2013 Victoria’s Rose ~ All Rights Reserved.

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