Well here I am not sleeping again. Insomnia really seriously sucks! I could lay in bed to toss and turn for several more hours. Or say screw it and get up.
I got up. The stress and anxiety of the future and providing for my son are seriously becoming overwhelming. I had to call my sister yesterday and beg for $15 so I could get milk, cheese and bottled water for him. That’s all. I’m not asking for $400 to buy everything we really need.
I simply want to get milk and water, with some cheese on the side so he can put something on the bread instead of just ketchup and mayonnaise. What my Dad called a condiment sandwich. Only when we had that as kids, it was because no one had gone to the grocery store and no one was in the mood to go on that day the sandwiches were made.
My mom worked on Saturday mornings. Back when it was uncommon to have a working mom, I had one. She worked Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturday mornings for a local doctor. She was a nurse in one of his offices. Sometimes she would work Wednesday and Friday in his 2nd office on the other side of town too. The nice thing about a working mom back then, we always had money to take care of the family and a little extra for vacations and trips.
We always went back “home” to visit family. A 7.5 hour drive from Washington D.C. to east Tennessee. We moved to Northern Virginia when I was 3 years old. In fact my parents settled on the house the day after my 3rd birthday. For me, that’s home. My Mom still lives in that house. In side the beltway. They paid a little over $35k for that house. A house that’s now worth close to $400k because of its location… inside the beltway.
Can’t imagine $35k for a house. How things have changed! I remember seeing the mortgage payment once. The bill was $145 each month. Can you imagine that?! The payment on my first house was $1,400. For my dream house, it’s $1,200. And there’s the insomnia issue. Losing my dream home to foreclosure. I guess since I’m up, I’ll go through the job postings on Monster and fill out a few more apps at the local stores. Submit my resume to a few more career positions.
I’ve honestly lost all hope. When the man was getting a paycheck, he kept hope alive for me by buying a lottery ticket each week. $1 to keep hope alive wasn’t that much. Because without hope you lose the desire to continue and never see a way out of the hole. A hole you got thrown into at no fault of your own.
We even won a few times. Sometimes it would be enough for another ticket. That’s ok. A few times we won $70, which was great because you can cash that in right there at the counter and buy gas, then head to the grocery store. It always seemed to come through right when we needed it the most.
Well, now we can’t even afford that $1. And I have lost hope. He said he was going to apply to jobs around the area. But I have no idea if he has done that. He doesn’t talk to me. We haven’t spoken in over a week because I feel so disrespected and like I’m a burden because I can’t bring any money into the house either. Ok..I’m tired of crying so I’m going to stop here before this gets worse. Maybe a few minutes on Pinterest and then to Monster. I can dream about what I see there. Imagination is about all I have left.
~ Victoria Lynn