Letters – Sleepless In The Dark

Letters To MyselfLetters To Myself ~

Once again I can’t sleep. Worry and stress are overwhelming! My shoulders are so tight that even merely trying to reach around and give myself a little half shoulder rub hurts. The feel bruised and tighter than I can stand. So of course the stress headache is pounding in my brain. How can anyone find a way to sleep like this?!

I’ve tried a warm cup of decaf tea. It was tasty but didn’t help. I tried aspirin and no luck there. I think I’d have to take the entire bottle.

It’s Monday already and later today the local water company will turn off our water because we haven’t been able to pay the bill.

Yet another payment of something we can’t take care of. The man told me today that our will put up for sale on the 31st of this month. Unless of course we find a way to pay the mortgage before then. 

I mentioned before that when they do kick us out, we have nowhere to go and no way to get there. My truck is broken. His work truck is broken. My little convertible is the only vehicle that works. Tried selling them a few months back. That went nowhere. My truck is still listed for sale, but who wants a 14 year old SUV that only gets 12mph?

We can’t sell his work truck. If someone actually accepts one of his bids he’s going to need that truck. How we’re going to get it running, I don’t know. Or update the taxes on it so he can make it legal to drive again, don’t know that either.

We hoped and prayed over the weekend we’d win even a little bit in the local lottery. 10grand, is that so much to ask? I didn’t think so. I’m not asking for the world. Simply enough to bring us up to date and current. Well in total that would probably more like 15 or 18grand, somewhere in there. But still, in the scheme of the lottery; that’s not much. Is it?

I don’t know. Right now the 100-and-something for the water bill seems like a fortune right now. I posted a note on my private FB page for the relatives and close friends to see. Begging for help. Posted it on Friday. Not one person responded. Not so say “I wish we could help” or “I’ve got $25 I can give you, maybe if everyone chips in we can all help out”. Nope..not even an f-you!

At least today I had a few hours of happy distraction watching my boys race in the Brickyard 400 at Indianapolis Motor Speedway. My son’s favorite guy (mine too, because Ryan is his favorite), won the pole for the race. That was exciting. He did that on Saturday during qualifying. Today the race kicked off and all the commentators practically handed the win to Jimmy Johnson. I hate when they fall all over themselves to bow to him. He’s not “God” for Pete’s sake!

So my boy’s guy Ryan Newman won the race handily. Everyone said Jimmy would have won had his crew not screwed up on his final pit stop. Hey, you can’t claim this is a team effort and then blame the team when you don’t win. To his credit Jimmy said “We win as a team and we lose as a team”. But everyone else pointed fingers and blamed the crew, and a specific crewman at that.

It was made doubly good because my guy Tony Stewart finished 4th today. I was excited about that too. And it was all even better since Ryan drives a Stewart-Haas Racing car and Tony is the Stewart in that racing company! So he not only finished in the top 5, one of this guys won the race. Yeah!!! So congratulations to both of them for a great race day!

It was also so cute watching Ryan with his family and crew go out to kiss the bricks. In case you’re reading this and have no idea what I’m talking about. At Indy, there is a strip of bricks across the track at the start/finish line. It’s one yard thick, thus “The Brickyard”. When Nascar visit the track for this race, the winner and his crew go out onto the track to “kiss the bricks”. A tradition started in 1996 by Dale Jarrett and his crew chief Todd Parrott when they won this race.

2013.07.28 Ryan Indiana Native Newman Wins The Brickyard 400 at Indianapolis

2013.07.28 Indiana Native Ryan Newman Wins The Brickyard 400 at Indianapolis

What made this so extra cute were Ryan’s two daughters. He’s holding Brooklyn who came close to the bricks but wouldn’t kiss them. Come on, they’re dirty and smell like tires and gas! To the right is Ryan’s wife Krissie and in between the two of them is Ashlyn, their second daughter, who looked at everyone as if they were insane. After all, these kids are told not to eat food off the floor, now all these people are kissing the road? It was super funny, even the commentators made comment of it.

At least for a little while we escaped the stress. I don’t know what’s going to happen. We’ve faced foreclosure before and something (or someone) pulled us out at the last instant. Those times I felt sick to stomach, filled with stress and anxiety, dread and a foreboding energy that was suffocating. While I’m extremely stressed now, I don’t have that same doom and gloom feeling. As if something will pull us through one more time. I wish I knew what it was. Maybe I could sleep.

Instead I’m here in the dark, the only light from the laptop screen at 1:54am with tears running down my face because I can’t fix this. I wish I understood why no one will hire me. Why I can’t even get to an interview. I submitted 11 applications this past week. The last one was yesterday, a position I found at Rolls-Royce of all places. Seems their military complex, or rather one of their offices is here. I don’t care who I work for, Food Lion, Burger King, CapOne..I don’t care, I’m simply willing to do what it takes to work!!

I better quit right here or I’m going to work myself up so much more that I’ll never get rid of this headache! Good night world. I hope your night and life, is going better than mine.

~ Victoria Lynn


VR-Hanko ~ All Rights Reserved ©

 © 2013 Victoria’s Rose ~ All Rights Reserved.

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