Once again it’s been quite a while since I’ve felt the need to write a letter to myself. It’s not that things have gotten better, the opposite has actually occurred. I keep fighting each day to keep a positive attitude and not worry. For the most part I’ve done that. Trying to take care of things the best I can with the little I have.
That’s not easy when you’ve been segregated from everyone and everything. My cell still hasn’t been paid so I’m cut off from a phone or text messaging. The house phone broke and we don’t have $20 to replace it with a cheep model, so that communication is out still out.
My car and the family SUV are still parked in the driveway with expired tags, no insurance and it wouldn’t matter anyway because now the car insurance has lapsed. And there wouldn’t be money to replace the batteries or buy gas. But he keeps saying, “We’ll make it”.
In the meantime we’re going into month 4 of not being able to pay the mortgage. So it’s a good thing my phone access isn’t working because I’m sure the creditors and collectors are ringing them off the hook. The water was going to be cut off today and he said he didn’t know what he was going to do. This afternoon he tells me his brother is going to pay him because a project got paid. Well that’s nice, how much will that get us back on our feet? $200? What?! I’m sorry, you’ve been working 18 and 20 hour days trying to sell his business and he’s going to pay you $200? WTF?
See, that’s the issue. My Man has worked for over a year, closer to two actually, to help his brother grow his business. When he started bidding on projects and trying to sell work, no one called the company. No one invited them to bid on jobs, it’s a wonder if anyone even knew they existed. I told My Man when he started this that I didn’t want him spending 24 hours a day working on his brothers company and not work on getting our own off the starting blocks. He said I won’t, I plan on getting some money in and getting things going here.
The more he worked for his brother, the farther behind we got. The deeper we’ve gone into the hole. We had a reprieve in October last year because all the work was finally paying off and jobs were coming in and work was getting done. Little projects, but still it was better than the near nothing that was coming through. Then things slowed down again because the holidays came. We scrapped through Thanksgiving. All we could do for Yule was hope the school would help us out again. They didn’t. Neither did family.
Four days before the 25th, My Man’s Mom sent us some cash. At least we could get our son a present or two and maybe a surprise for under the tree. But that barely left anything a holiday dinner. Again we really scrapped through. We barely had gas to get to the grocery store and back again. But we made it.
All that time My Man kept working the phones and checking on projects they had bid on. After all this time, people were calling them to invite them to bid on projects. They were getting email invites to look at jobs, big, small and in between. Things were starting to improve and there’s a ton of work going on that could get us all back on track. And what does his brother do? At the beginning of January he tells My Man to stop bidding on projects. I’m sorry..what?! WHAT?!
Seems he doesn’t want to grow his business after all. He simply wants to keep the maintenance work and not do the installation work where the real money is. Well f’ing great! Sure would have been nice if the ass hole had told us that nearly 2 years ago! What the hell?
The ungrateful son of a bitch not only kicked us on our asses again, but kicked us in the teeth while we’re down and falling deeper into the abyss. So now we’re back to where we started..again..after My Man’s partners in his last company decided they didn’t want to grow either. It really pisses me off because I was against him working for his brother in the first place. I warned him not to put all his efforts into that company and ignore his dreams for his own company. Two more wasted years and we’re way worse off today than we were two years ago!
On top of it, I learned back in December that his brother had asked their Mom for money because they weren’t going to make it. Well that’s interesting, because he certainly wasn’t giving My Man enough money from all the work he was doing for him. And we knew how much money was coming in, because My Man was the one sending out the invoices for the completed work! They agreed informally on a percentage and his brother stuck to that like glue. So where is it? Where is all that money? Even though he supposedly was being told how bad off we are, he didn’t seem to care about how much we were suffering. At least My Man was telling me he told his brother how bad things are for us. Now I’m beginning to wonder about that.
I kept telling My Man that his brother was lying. That his wife was posting pictures of their children going to the local fair and riding Camels and rides. Those things aren’t free. Must be nice to have money to go out to dinner and post pictures of your kids enjoying ice-cream desserts. Must be nice.
I won’t begrudge anyone any type of celebration or spending time on their family with a little extra money. But to do that and complain you aren’t making it? To ask your Mom for money? To post pictures when you know your brother is working his ass off for your company and starving? What a liar!
I asked My Man to call his brother and tell him to give us $20 so that maybe we can get gas and make it to the grocery store to get some bread and milk. At least let my son have something to eat for dinner and the response I get is, I don’t want to ask him for that. If I’m going to hit him up, I’m going to get more than that, but I can’t do it yet. I keep asking him to fight for us, but like everything else I’ve asked of him, it falls on deaf ears. He keeps telling me he’s afraid he’s going to lose us. No..not us, but he is losing me, because he doesn’t listen to me. Or listens and then ignores. I’m supposed to be the most important thing to him, so he says. Ok Then f’ing FIGHT for Us!
This is the 3rd time I’ve told him that he needs to focus on his own company and it’s the 3rd time he’s ignored me. The first time was in 2005, when I was still working before the recession hit. Then when his business, I don’t know what he was, best and only customer died. He didn’t tell me he was going into a partnership business with 2 of the other guys from that company. He told me after he had done it and voiced my disappointment. I wish he hadn’t done that. We could have figured out a way to buy the original business. But nope. He wouldn’t heed my warning and went through with the business anyway.
Then when it went under, because his partners didn’t want to grow that business and only wanted to do maintenance work, I warned him again. Let’s take what little we have, what we might get our Moms to invest in a new business and focus on us. His own company that he can grow and expand. He’s good at that. He proved it already, proved he can do it. But nope, his immediate plan was to work for his brother in an informal agreement.
Tonight I was looking at FB and what do I see, a post from his brother. And what’s it about? His daughter’s piano lessons. Wait. What? You’re broke and barely making it but you some how have the money for piano lessons? Must be nice to be that broke. I wish we were that broke!
Ok, wait..let’s think this through for a second. That’s the cost of the lessons, even if it’s $10 for each lesson, that’s more than what we have. Ok, so is this a neighbor down the street? Are you walking her to her lesson? Because if the answer is no and you have to drive, then let’s add gas to that bill. So now she has to practice, where’s she doing that at? Do you take her to the school? More gas. Or did you get a piano for the house? Let’s add that to the bill. Rent or bought, that’s another expense we can’t even dream of.
We haven’t been out to dinner for years. No vacations. No adventures except to the grocery store (20 miles away) with a detour to the train station where we can watch the trains go by. Wow.. our vacation consists of driving 2 blocks to the railroad tracks and making a picnic out of what we bought at the grocery store. We have to worry each month where we can get $30 to pick up my prescriptions. Many a time we haven’t and I’ve gone with out. Not great for a diabetic. We’ve been through all the applications and requests for help from the pharmacy and the drug companies. Don’t buy that they’re there to help people. Nice commercials but they’re total bull shit.
We’re trying to figure out where we can find $30 so our son can go on this years school field trip. It’s not a matter of having an extra $30. If we use $30 for a field trip it has to come out of what ever we might have used that for in groceries or to pay the water, electric or gas bill. It means we’re $30 short somewhere else.
You’re going out to dinner, the local fair, Disney and other special events you’ve posted about. From the sound of a few other FB posts they’ve been to the movies and had some family entertainment time. Four people, that’s two adults and two kids. That’s not a cheap night at the movies. Even if it’s at a matinée, it’s not cheap. So yeah, wow, must be nice.
Hey..who cares if we’re fighting tooth and nail for a gallon of milk. I’m so angry and for the first time in a real long time I’m dealing with my own emotions of feeling dislike for another human being. Something I’ve worked so hard not to fall into from the past. I try very hard to take each day as it comes and look at our blessings, instead of always focusing on our challenges. But this is really pushing my limits.
Part of me doesn’t like the things I’ve been thinking lately. The wishes I’ve been making, quietly to myself to get me out of this situation! And if I’m out, I can get my son out of it too. Seven years ago I had the greatest life. We weren’t rich, but we were getting by fairly well. We were a close family and we did things together all the time. Even little Sunday drive adventures to get out of the house and enjoy the world around us gave us blessed days and fond memories. Hell even 5 years ago, we were still feeling blessed even though things were pretty tough. I’m tired of this now! Repeating this pattern over and over is enough!
I’ve done everything I can to be supportive. I built the websites, market his work and a company that doesn’t even exist yet except on a website. I wrote the business plan and then asked for help filling out the financial section. That went 4 months without help. Back to the drawing board I reworked the plan and added some financial information that I have no idea if it will work or not. I searched the banks, the SBA and every other business site to find out how we could get financing. Filled out the applications and compiled the packages. All except one required part of each and every part of that. His taxes. His last 3 years of taxes. Taxes that I can’t do for him, because it’s the one thing he won’t give me the documents to do. And it’s the one thing that is holding us up for the past 4 years I’ve been trying to help and get the funding he needs for Us!
I filled out another SBA loan application this week. I went over it with him. Updated the business plan and the documents needed for the application. Told him the only thing that’s left, copies of his last 3 years of taxes. I’m not doing this any more. If he wants this to work, he needs to step up and do what needs to be done. Because I’m tired of going through the same thing over and over and having it lead no where!
Then there’s my part. I’m tired of not being able to get a job at the local f’ing McDonalds or the Dollar Store and every other cheap ass retail store or fast food place within a 40-mile radius. I’m tired of groveling and begging. I’m tired of being told I’m over qualified or out of work so long my skills don’t apply. I’m tired of being told there’s no openings when 40-seconds earlier a friend working at that very store said there were openings. I’m tired of being too old to get a job and losing out to 20 and 30 somethings. Or even 40 something friends that applied to the same jobs I applied for.
If everything happens for a reason in its right time and place than damn it someone tell me why this is happening?! If the Universe isn’t going to give me a job, and it looks like that’s the case, then damn it, get him to listen! Because I’m done with this! I love him. I really care about him. But I need someone to take care of us, if the Universe isn’t going to allow me to do it. God I’m so mad right now I could scream!!!!
~ Victoria Lynn